February 19, 2014, posted by Crumbs

The General Journals: Sex To Music

Machine Head

The local college radio station out here in the Co Co County (KVHS) plays all kinds of cool stuff, everything from Amon Amarth and Machine Head to A Day To Remember and Flogging Molly, which makes this the best station in my section of the Bay Area without question. They've been playing the new Chino Moreno side-project, Crosses a lot and my wife (who loves Deftones) loves the song they play.

So I'm on The PRP reading a review of the record, and as I'm scrolling through the comments section, one of the comments stuck out, as it was debating Crosses vs. Team Sleep vs. Deftones, and it ended with "I've had a lot more sexual relations to that CD."

I loved that comment. I literally laughed out loud!

It got me thinking, it got me thinking of all the albums I had had "sexual relations" to. At least early on in my life, whenever I slept with a girl I always played music. During one of my first sexual relations I had Mercyful Fate's "Mellissa" cassette playing in the background of my bedroom while she and I were drinking wine coolers (pretty romantic huh? LOL!). I have fond memories of that record. That same girl and I had sex at a cemetery on a gravestone while we (again) played Mercyful Fate's "Mellissa" on her car stereo (apparently that was my go-to lovin' record). She ended knocking the headstone off of a two-piece gravestone when we were done, doh!

There was something so fucking taboo and wrong with this scenario, but I cannot lie, it was thrilling!

When Genevra and I first got together I had procured a cassette copy of Alice In Chains’ "Dirt Demos" that leaked a few months before the "Dirt" album came out. I have amazing memories of these long romantic french kisses with Genevra to those demos, just straight NECKIN', not even sex, but damn near good because it was so drawn out. Ah, the foreplay, I always loved the torture of it.

After Genevra and I had been together a while, we started drinking wine, and we'd always put on Steve Miller's - "Best Of", she'd get me to dance (something I'm really awful at, and almost never do) and we'd be in that mellow "wine buzz" state of mind. We’d be dancing and kissing, it was always such a good time listening to it, and man, whatever mojo that record has... it inevitably led to "sexual relations."

Now that I’m thinking about it, Coldplay's first album was also a solid choice for baby-makin' background music.

Surprisingly, we haven't played music in the background in probably more than a decade. Sometime after we had kids it was always about keeping the house quieter. For the longest time we were just too goddamned tired to do anything at night, let alone play bedroom DJ! So we changed our routine around and moved it to what we call "mornin' lovin'." I miss wine and Steve Miller filled nights sometimes but things change, and you know what, often times, change is good. It keeps things fresh.

Remember what Chris Rock said about marriage, "you gotta learn to recycle the pussy!"

As I thought about the person's comments in the Crosses CD review, the one thing that was always weird for me during "sexual relations," was when Machine Head would come up random in the stereo/player/iPod. I just could not deal with it! There was something about hearing my voice while doing “that” that it just tripped me out. I'd often stop and put something else on, quickly. So here is where my fuckin’ bizarro brain started wondering… "I wonder if other band dudes like to listen to their music while they were having "sexual relations?" "Was "I" the weird one that I didn't like to hear my voice/music?" No idea why my brain went there, but guess what, it’s kind of stuck there!

Then ol’ bizarro brain started wondering if you guys, the Head Cases of the world had "sexual relations" to Machine Head albums or songs? And if so, what songs, what albums? Me personally, I can't imagine bonin'-down to “Imperium” would be all that enjoyable in any way (though it might be quick and pounding if that's the way you like it!).

But I mean... I know it happens.

One of my most vivid memories of playing Brixton Academy in London is that of looking up into the balcony and seeing a couple, a girl sitting on top of a guy, having "sexual relations!" I was like “WHOA, good for you guys!!”

So, I know, weird question, but... do you have sexual relations to Machine Head?

I don't need the details!! We don't need to turn into Penthouse letters, "BRO, my chick licks my ass to Darkness Within and it's AWESUM!" Definitely DON'T need that.

But yeah, let's hear it!

I was gonna give you a studio update, but now I'm all worked up and I think I'll go (as the Brits like to say in their cockney-rhyming-slang) "have a ham shank".

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