March 29, 2013, posted by Crumbs
I was in a pretty dark place last week, probably the darkest place I've been in a while, one of the most brutal depressions that I can remember. I'm in a better place now. Some really good talks came out of it with the people around me and thankfully the black fog has lifted.
I also want to thank all of you for the well wishes. I just finished reading through a lot of them. A bunch of friends and family both in as well as outside of the music business reached out to me and offered some fantastic insight and advice. Most of all, I want to thank Dave, Phil, and Joseph for being there for me when I needed it. I needed their patience, their strength, and their understanding, and they gave it to me.
I've said it before, but it bears repeating: I do these Journals because I want a connection. Because I have some kind of disconnection in my life, I NEED this. I get a lot out of these. This is a Journal about not only Machine Head, but a little bit of my life too. And just like everyone else I have good days and bad days, happy and sad days. There are days when I want to take on the world and then the total opposite when I want to just sleep all day. While I would love to deliver you just the good news and do my best to keep it positive, that also isn't the reality of the world, yours or mine.
Sometimes life is hard, sometimes the world is fucked. Most of the time it isn't, and these Journals will reflect that, but sometimes it is, and these Journals will reflect that too. It would feel so phony to me to just pretend like everything is always good and that no bad ever happens in our lives. To only write these uplifting motivational “Machine Head-is-kicking-ass"-things once a week would burn me out. It would make me feel like a salesman trying to sell you some positivity. I am a lot of things to a lot of people, but one thing I am not is full of shit, so these Journals will never be about a sales pitch.
One of the main reasons I stopped doing the Journals back in 2010 was because I WAS burned out on them. It felt like all I talked about was how "Houston was great," "record is doing great," "here's what Machine Head are up to," a maybe a little bit of personal stuff. But mostly it was just "the good stuff."
There’s nothing wrong with the good stuff, especially when it's absolutely warranted and true, but writing a consistent Journal (once a week like I'm making the effort to)... it gets boring. Writing these takes some effort. I mean the first 5 are easy but then what do you write about? When I became inspired again to share this stuff with you guys (and girls) I decided that it needed to be more than just Machine Head and more than just the “good” each and every time, and while I always tie MH into it somehow, truthfully our life just isn't always that interesting (LOL!).
I certainly didn't expect to be writing things like "Beneath The Silt," I had no idea what I was even going to write about that morning. I sat down and started typing, and it felt like a broken fire hydrant of shit just poured out. It's a topsy-turvy moment in our lives too.
So I'm trying to find a balance. But it won't be perfect, and not being perfect is something I need to be "ok with" in my life. Not all my journals can be "thrash reminiscing", not all of them will be funny and uplifting. Some will be great, others will suck, just like life itself. I'm not here to lead you; I'm not here to inspire you. I’ve said it in song lyrics, "I'm just as lost as you". That’s 100% true, and getting that connection I mentioned earlier... maybe we can help each other out? Maybe we can learn from each other along the way? I’ve accomplished a few things so far in life but I still have A LOT to learn, believe me!! Teach me.
I also realize that I am a lucky man. I get to make music for a living. I get to tour the world in a band that's kicking ass. I’m surrounded by band/management dudes who believe in me. I’m lucky to have fans who believe in me. In my opinion most bands never want you to think that the band life is anything but glamorous. However, that being said, if we could all trade problems with one another, I'm certain that once we saw each other’s problems… we'd be more than happy to trade them all back. They’re just different problems.
Believe it or not, writing "Beneath The Silt" made me feel a little better. When I was finished with that journal, I wrote lyrics for about an hour. What came out was some of the most fucked up, depressing, hateful lyrics I’ve written in my life. They may not ever get used. I mean they're so weird and fucked we’ll just have to wait and see. But writing them made me feel a little better too. Talking with Genevra that night helped me figure out a lot of where it was coming from too (as it usually does when we talk). Over the last week, I've climbed out of the hole. If there was a silver lining (and there always is) some great music has come out of it. We've been really productive writing-wise. As of last night we have 4 songs pretty much done musically, another 5 jams / half songs. The song we finished last night felt like it could be something really special. Phil has been on a riff roll, bringing some really unique sounding riffage and Dave McClain (our secret weapon) has brought some damn cool riffs to the table as well.
I appreciate you guys reading these, I'm lucky to have you guys reading. I'm lucky to have anyone who gives a shit about these ramblings. You don't have to read them, and if you don't like them, by all means, you are free to stop reading them. If I was in a shitty mood, I'm not sure I would want to read about someone else's shitty mood...? Then again, I follow a few peoples blogs, and sometimes reading how they’re going through a shitty time too, helps me make sense of the world.
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